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zackkitzmiller/README.md

🌟✨🔥 ZACK'S TOTALLY AWESOME HOMEPAGE 🔥✨🌟

    ______ ___   ________ __     __ _____ 
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  /_/  /_/  |_\____/_/ |_|   /_/ /____/   
                                           
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  ██║  ██║╚██████╔╝██║ ╚═╝ ██║███████╗██║     ██║  ██║╚██████╔╝███████╗
  ╚═╝  ╚═╝ ╚═════╝ ╚═╝     ╚═╝╚══════╝╚═╝     ╚═╝  ╚═╝ ╚═════╝ ╚══════╝

⚡💎 RAILS WIZARD 💎⚡ | 🏁💨 DRAG RACER 💨🏁 | 🐧⚙️ ARCH BTW ⚙️🐧

┏━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┓
┃  🎖️ SITE CERTIFIED: 100% AI SLOP FREE 🎖️  ┃  ⚡ POWERED BY VIM ⚡       ┃
┗━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┛

┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│  👁️  YOU ARE VISITOR NUMBER: 1 4 7 , 3 9 2  👁️                 │
│  🕐 LAST UPDATED: literally right now                           │
│  📟 ESTABLISHED: 1998 (in internet years)                      │
└────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘

🏆 SITE AWARDS 🏆

cool site geocities approved netscape ready best viewed


📢 WEBMASTER'S ANNOUNCEMENT 📢

⚡ BREAKING NEWS ⚡ Currently launching Flourish or Forfeit - put money where your affirmations are! Beta testing NOW!

🏁 RACING UPDATE 🏁 Evolution of Speed set WORLD RECORDS with our Supra! Check stats below!

💼 AVAILABLE FOR HIRE 💼 $250/hr for Rails optimization | Database wizardry | Performance tuning


🎮 WHAT'S NEW 🎮

🚀 ACTIVE MISSIONS 🚀

🔥 flourish or forfeit [BETA]
DBT/ACT affirmations + real money stakes
you skip a day? you lose your cash
Status: Twilio A2P 10DLC compliance ✓
Launch: IMMINENT 🚨

🎨 markbin.net [REDESIGN]
markdown → link (no BS)
Status: Typography overhaul in progress
Vibe: Distinctive, NOT generic

🔗 knkylinks [CONCEPT]
short URLs, weird names
Status: Brain mode 💭

**💼 shadow work`
Complex PostgreSQL query optimization
Status: Making things FAST ⚡

🏁 RACING STATS 🏁

╔══════════════════════════════╗
║  TEAM: Evolution of Speed    ║
║  CAR: Toyota Supra           ║
║  STATUS: World Record Holder ║
╚══════════════════════════════╝

🏆 ACHIEVEMENTS:

  • ✅ TX2K competitor
  • ✅ FL2K competitor
  • ✅ Great Lakes Dragaway regular
  • ✅ Set multiple world records
  • ✅ Three-man underdog team
  • ✅ High-performance tuning

⚡ POWER LEVEL: over 9000

🎯 STRATEGY: Underdog status = competitive advantage


💻 TECH SHRINE 💻

⚙️ THE STACK ⚙️

╔═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║                                                                   ║
║   💎 RUBY ON RAILS → the one true path                            ║
║   🐘 POSTGRESQL → with queries so complex they make devs cry      ║
║   🐧 ARCH LINUX → btw (Framework 16" laptop)                      ║
║   🌊 HYPRLAND → because tiling WMs are superior                   ║
║   ☁️ AWS FARGATE → containers in the cloud                        ║
║   🏗️ TERRAFORM → infrastructure as code                           ║
║   📱 TWILIO → A2P 10DLC certified SMS                             ║
║    ⚡ SIDEKIQ → background jobs that actually work                 ║
║   🎨 TAILWIND → but tastefully, no gross stuff                    ║
║                                                                   ║
╚═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

📊 SKILL DISTRIBUTION 📊

Put on        ████████████████████ 100%
my      ███████████████████░  5%
robe and        ██████████████████░░  10%
wizard      ██████████████████░░  90%
hat          ████████████████░░░░  2250%
Suffering Terraform   ████████████░░░░░░░░  60%

📂 FREE SOFTWARE ARCHIVE 📂

💾 DOWNLOAD FREEWARE • SHAREWARE • OPEN SOURCE GREATNESS 💾

📦 PACKAGE 📝 DESCRIPTION ⭐ RATING 📥 STATUS
tiny-php Reversible base62 ID obfuscation magic ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ STABLE
holmes Mobile detection that doesn't suck ⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ MATURE
nil Null object pattern for PHP ⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ SOLID
statsd-arduino StatsD client for Arduino boards ⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ WORKS
zackstrap Bootstrap dotfiles (written in Rust) ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ BLAZING
tree-weaver ASCII tree → nested file paths (Erlang) ⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ FUNCTIONAL
╔════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║  💝 ALL CODE IS GPL/MIT LICENSED BECAUSE SHARING IS CARING 💝  ║
╚════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

💼 CONTRACTOR SERVICES 💼

📋 WHAT I DO FOR $$$ 📋

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
 💰 RATE: $250/hour (worth every penny)
 🎯 FOCUS: Rails • Performance • Features
 🤝 CLIENTS: Ticketing • Payments • SaaS
 👥 NETWORK: Speedshop contractors
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

SPECIALTIES:

  • 🐌→⚡ Optimize slow SQL (complex joins are my jam)
  • 🏗️ Build features that don't make users cry
  • 📊 CloudWatch + Sidekiq monitoring setup
  • 🤖 Terraform infrastructure automation
  • 🎨 Frontend work (when unavoidable)
  • 🔍 Debug production crashes at 3am
  • 📈 Performance tuning (always)

🎨 DESIGN PHILOSOPHY 🎨

╔═══════════════════════════╗
║   ❌ NO AI SLOP            ║
║   ❌ NO FLASHY GARBAGE     ║
║   ❌ NO GENERIC VIBES      ║
║                           ║
║   ✅ CLEAN MINIMAL        ║
║   ✅ DISTINCTIVE TYPE     ║
║   ✅ PRAGMATIC > DOGMA    ║
╚═══════════════════════════╝

if it looks like a chatbot made it, it's trash


🔗 HOT LINKS 🔗

🌟 COOL SITES I'M WORKING ON 🌟

🌸 flourish or forfeit 🌸📝 markbin.net 📝🏢 z19r consultancy 🏢

💫 THE WEBRING 💫

[ ⬅️ PREVIOUS ] | [ 🎲 RANDOM ] | [ LIST ALL ] | [ ➡️ NEXT ]

member of the Chicago Indie Dev webring since 1998


📖 GUESTBOOK 📖

┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│                                                             │
│  💬 "sick setup bro" - anonymous, 2026-01-20                │
│  💬 "that supra is INSANE" - racing_fan_42, 2026-01-19      │
│  💬 "finally a readme that doesn't suck" - dev_lord, 2026   │
│  💬 "vim > emacs fight me" - editor_wars, 2026-01-18        │
│                                                             │
└─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘

📝 SIGN MY GUESTBOOK 📝


🎵 NOW PLAYING 🎵

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸   ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸   ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸

 🎸 WHATEVER'S ON THE DYNO RUN PLAYLIST 🎸

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸   ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸   ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸

📍 FIND THE WEBMASTER 📍

🌆 CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, USA 🌆

┌──────────────────────────────────────┐
│  📧 EMAIL: hit me up                 │
│  🐦 TWITTER: probably complaining    │
│  💼 LINKEDIN: looking professional   │
│  🏢 COMPANY: z19r consultancy        │
│  ⚙️  SYSTEM: Framework 16" + Arch    │
│  🖥️  SETUP: Hyprland + Vim           │
└──────────────────────────────────────┘

🎖️ AFFILIATIONS & BADGES 🎖️


📜 RANDOM WISDOM 📜

"Shipping beats perfection"

"The best code is no code"

"If it ain't broke, you're not trying hard enough"

"There's no replacement for displacement" 🏁


⚙️ TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS ⚙️

╔════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║                    SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS                         ║
╠════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╣
║  🖥️  BROWSER: Netscape Navigator 4.0 or higher                 ║
║  📺 RESOLUTION: 800x600 (1024x768 recommended)                 ║
║  🎨 COLORS: 256 colors minimum (millions preferred)            ║
║  💾 STORAGE: 16MB RAM, 100MB HDD space                         ║
║  📢 SOUND: SoundBlaster compatible                             ║
║  🖱️  INPUT: Mouse with scroll wheel                            ║
║  ⚡ CONNECTION: 56k modem minimum (T1 recommended)              ║
╚════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

🚧 SITE STATUS 🚧

⚠️ PERPETUALLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION ⚠️

because shipping > perfection

┌────────────────────────────────────┐
│  🔧 LATEST UPDATES:                │
│  • Racing stats section added      │
│  • Guestbook enabled               │
│  • Hot links updated               │
│  • Visitor counter incremented     │
│  • Webring joined                  │
│  • More badges acquired            │
└────────────────────────────────────┘

╔═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║                                                                   ║
║              ⭐ THANK YOU FOR VISITING ZACK'S HOMEPAGE ⭐           ║
║                                                                   ║
║  📧 CONTACT WEBMASTER: for business, racing talk, or vim wars     ║
║  📝 SIGN GUESTBOOK: leave your mark on internet history           ║
║  🔄 BOOKMARK THIS PAGE: you know you want to                      ║
║  📢 TELL YOUR FRIENDS: spread the word                            ║
║                                                                   ║
╚═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

🎪 SITE NAVIGATION 🎪

[ HOME ][ ABOUT ][ PROJECTS ][ RACING ][ CONTACT ][ GUESTBOOK ][ LINKS ]


💻 Built with Vim on Arch Linux (btw) 💻

🚫 Made with 0% AI slop • 100% human chaos 🚫

☔ gee i'm glad it's rainin' ☔

🏠 Proudly hosted on GitHub Pages since 2026 🏠

© 1998-2026 Zack Kitzmiller • All Rights Reserved • No spam plz

⚡ Page generated in 0.003 seconds ⚡


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